🔀 Incoherent: What do you think about Me?

It is a wrong question you should never ask anyone. And if you still choose to ask, don’t take their answers personally as they reflect very little about you and far more about the person describing you.

No one thinks about you

If we aren’t self-aware, the thought of “what others think or would think about me” starts driving most of our choices. Even when we intellectually know that almost no one is thinking about us, we still slip up at times. It takes constant practice to overcome this just because it’s human nature to overthink how we are perceived.

In reality, everyone is too busy managing their own lives. They already have enough people they care about and think of. At best, we cross their minds for a few minutes a day, often triggered by something that simply reminds them of us.

So when you ask someone to describe how they see you or what they think about you, their response will always carry recency bias and reflect what matters most to them about you. Recency bias means their opinion is shaped by your latest interaction or by whatever recently reminded them of you. And what “matters” to them depends on what they find comforting or irritating in those interactions.

Whether someone likes or dislikes something about you reveals more about their preferences, desires, or frustrations than about who you truly are.

When you say, “The lion is the king of the jungle,” a feminist may point out that the lioness is actually more powerful. Someone who dislikes monarchs might argue that labeling anyone as a “king” is wrong. Another person who despises animals might insist humans are superior to all creatures. None of these reactions describe the lion but reveal what those people are already thinking about.

Interpretations are not absolute

“The listening exposes you even more than the people you’re trying to listen to” (excerpt from the book Paper Towns). The same applies to speaking. What we say reveals more about who we are than about what we’re describing.

Now imagine an interaction where both speaking and listening reflect personal biases and inner states. In such a space, how can interpretations ever be absolute? Everyone’s takeaways will differ, shaped by their beliefs and experiences.

So how, then, can we expect others to know who we truly are or judge our personality accurately? Even if you collected a hundred opinions and went with the majority, it would only mirror what society thinks and not the truth about you.

No one spends more time with you than yourself

If everyone spends most of their mental energy thinking about themselves, even while thinking about you, how can you truly understand yourself?

No one spends as much time with you as you. Your gut already knows every lie you tell yourself. You might find yourself defending your actions in front of others but scolding yourself privately later. You cannot hide from yourself.

Be your own critic and your own motivator. Reflect often on your interactions. Sit quietly with your thoughts, this time without excuses or blame, to understand who you are and what you think about yourself, rather than seeking external validation. Only then will you know what truly matters to you and avoid becoming just another reflection of society.

You don’t understand me

You must have heard this phrase or used it many times in your life. Mostly from people close to you in different situations of life. Often this statement and expectation also becomes a resentment that kills those close relationships. But if you accept everything said above, can anyone ever really understand you?

You can argue that your family understands you better than others, but that’s only because they’ve seen you up close and shared certain life-defining experiences with you. Similarly, when you meet someone outside your family who “gets” you, it’s often because they’ve gone through something similar or deeply observed it.

The better approach is to stop expecting people to understand you, and stop trying to make them. Stop asking what others think about you, and focus instead on understanding what matters to you. When you need something from others, just mention it plainly rather than giving hints hoping they will read your mind.

Life is better and simpler when you speak directly and help others understand you rather than trying to make them understand how they should think about you.